RSS Feed

“Wildflower”

written for dverse poets’ “Framed Couplets” prompt using word lists from this week’s Sunday Whirl and Monday Melting

 

Wildflower

a forceful push opens doors that kept you inside
a remorseful aspect of life had once made you hide
exchange fear for courage like that of a Marine
range over terrain you have not yet seen

spray over here once the seed is planted
play in the field that is sunshine enchanted
glance at the beauty of this harvest-to-be
romance Mother Nature—basic chemistry

stand in the rain that blows up from the south
hand-fan the flames you breathe out of your mouth
sprinkle moisturized blends of fertilized tricks
crinkle the stems and splinter the sticks

taste the sweet berry, gain rich energy
waste not this permission to run carefree

Advertisements

51 responses »

  1. Nice job with the form. Some really clever lines in here, I love the mother nature-basic chemistry and the sprinkle moisturized blends of fertilized tricks/crinkle the stems and splinter the sticks- very lyrical the latter couplet. NIce job. Thanks

    Reply
  2. Awesome picture, you nailed the form, and wrote a really good poem. I’m thinkin you done good!

    Reply
  3. Nicely done. The final couplet is my favorite bit. Sweet.

    Reply
  4. This really spoke to me. I don’t know how it was intended, but it really touched me about some personal battles I’m facing. Very moving and encouraging. It makes me think of victory and what comes as a result of it.

    Reply
    • Sarah, you have blessed me with your comment. I’m so glad this poem had meaning for you and has provided some encouragement.

      I think there are so many layers to most poetry, and especially this one. The writer’s “intent” matters perhaps less than the perception/interpretation of the reader. In this piece I had a literal image in my head of our (then) 5 y.o. playing in the backyard at our house after we had just moved in. So often she would be locked inside for schoolwork, discipline, etc…but the minute she could push open those doors, the world seemed hers to conquer. It was a very large yard, and she would bounce from one activity to the next….and I tried to give the poem a bit of that feel…ending with the “victory” you mentioned as she embraces that carefree freedom.

      I certainly see a lot of spiritual & “adult life” parallels here also, and I’m glad you found those in your reading of this piece!

      Reply
  5. that is the most awesome pic!!! thanks for sharing with me

    Reply
  6. Love that third stanza, New view. Nice.

    Pamela

    Reply
  7. Bravo!!! What a fantastic pic and great prose!

    Reply
  8. I love line ” Play in the field that’s sunshine enchanted.” And the visual is truly perfect.
    http://leah-jamielynn.typepad.com/blog/2012/04/regardless-i-believe-in-love.html

    Reply
  9. Loved your crisp diction and descriptors, very nice.

    Reply
  10. Lovely writing, New View.

    Reply
  11. i am def all for standing in the rain…i like the thought too of romancing mother nature..in many ways when we plant we are doing just that…but i had not though of it that way before….you went more rhyming the while first word over the syllable but it works…tricky form…

    Reply
    • Yeah, I somehow missed that it was rhyming the first syllable, so I rhymed the words…I’m happy with it, and I knew I would be “off” form a bit…Gay makes some good points below about just going with what you feel is right for you, even if it isn’t completely true to form. As always, you provide valuable insight and I appreciate your visit and comments!

      Reply
  12. The third stanza – great! Very lyrical.

    Reply
  13. A beautiful permission!
    So freeing.
    Refreshing frame.

    Reply
  14. “Waste not this permission to run carefree”…. thank you, here I go, running through the field of flowers, I feel like a child again! Nice shot to go along with the poem.

    Reply
  15. Hi – I don’t know your name so this seems rather impersonal and with poetry there is nothing (publicly) that is much more personal. My name is Gay and I’m also known as Beachanny as that is my twitter handle and the name on my two blogs. So I am hosting today and doing a more in depth critique.

    To begin with the idea of a wildflower as metaphor for the poem works very well. The word choices are good and you were able to write a well constructed poem in fourteen lines and that always deserves a WOW!

    Again (and I seem to be writing this on a majority of blogs) the first WORDS in each couplet don’t rhyme unless they are one syllable words – only the first SYLLABLE. I made this very same mistake when I wrote my first attempt. But Hector explained to me he wanted just this partial rhyme. (See the comment I left under dVerse comments) so that tripped up lots of us.
    As I said to a couple of people, it’s up to you if you want to make changes with this poem. When I wrote my first one I kept it and wrote another that more closely adhered to the discipline of the form.

    The other area of the poem that needs attention in this poem is you did not adhere to the nine syllable count which each line should have. Ideally it should start with a STRESSED syllable. Several of yours did not – the ones beginning with a, exchange, and romance. Of course in different parts of the English speaking world (like Texas where I have lived most of my life) one doesn’t stress words the way people living other places – Wales, England, India-do. This requires just checking some words against the dictionary. Luke Prater pointed this out to me as he speaks proper English – quite posh – apparently. So I now just check against the dictionary. We actually do say RO mance here in TX but the dictionary doesn’t even give that option…they list it as ro MANCE.

    Well not to belabor the point. The stresses are thus in this poem:
    1. STRESSED 2.unstressed 3.STRESSED 4.unstressed 5.STRESSED 6.unstressed
    7 STRESSED 8.unstressed 9. STRESSED
    There is a kind of syncopation to the rhythm if one wraps the line and doesn’t end-stop the meaning there, because the STRESSED syllable at the end of the first line bumps up against the STRESSED syllable beginning the next line. This results in a kind of built-in shift of rhythm. It gives a free verse flow to the piece; and because it’s short alliteration, the single syllable breaks the couplet from sounding sing/song or like a nursery rhyme.

    None of this, of course, detracts from your poem. Many of the writers that are writing today have consciously chosen NOT to employ the stated rhythm. Not because it’s too difficult but because they are already synced into their style (like Brian) and wish to use the frame but not the rhythms or line length. I (being somewhat a rebel at heart) not only get that, I totally approve. I love introducing form to writers. Form forces us to think new ways [not many do it more than this one] and they force us to learn new words, and appreciate the work that has gone into the esteemed works of poetry that are considered great literature. However, no poet should be a slave to form. Form in poetry should follow function and the poet’s will.

    Didn’t mean to write a book here. The poem as written is very beautiful. However, it’s not yet a Framed Couplets poem. Thank you.

    Reply
    • I knew I was probably missing some key elements to this form 🙂 I did enjoy my attempt at framed couplets. Thanks for this explanation…for some reason it “clicks” better now than when I first read about the form on dverse.

      Reply
  16. It’s beautiful, New View. Nothing missing as far as I’m concerned.

    Reply
  17. To run carefree in the field of enchanted sunshine and glance at the beauty of the harvest.
    Beautiful! Beautiful!
    Joy

    Reply
  18. Very nice poem, esp. the ending. And the first line.

    Reply
  19. Nice variation on the framed couplet structure; while not exacting in form, the discipline that you practiced with this composition carries the day, especially with the theme that you’ve chosen.

    Reply
    • I have no idea how I missed commenting on this last week! Thank you for your kind words….I’ll try to be more careful with form next time I respond to a “form prompt”, but I was glad Gay pointed out that I wasn’t the only one…lol. Thanks for the visit & thoughts!

      Reply
  20. These are my favorites:

    “play in the field that is sunshine enchanted”

    “romance Mother Nature” (love this backwards thought; Mother Nature is usually the romantic artist, enchanting whomever she likes … this girl must be some kind of wonderful to have the power to romance nature)

    “stand in the rain that blows up from the south” (what an awesome description of a waterhose or sprinkler; also a nod to early Biblical days when water seeped up from the ground, pre-rain/pre-flood; a mention of southern living and an expression of your love for the southern states)

    “hand-fan the flames” (love this nod to a fiery personality and also a hot-tempered “speak your mind” kind of girl)

    “sprinkle moisturized blends of fertilized tricks” (playing in the mud, making up games, being a prankster; expressions of a clever girl, leaving her mark on the world)

    “crinkle the stems and splinter the sticks” (playing with flowers, sticks, and other outside “toys”; delicately destroying everything she touches)

    This was sweet, fun, playful, and creative. And you were very brave to tackle that “form.” You did a wonderful job, sweetie. 🙂

    Reply
    • I had fun writing this really long and thorough comment regarding one of your previous poems. I hope you enjoyed it.

      Reply
      • LOL…I get your point…but my point was trying to create an even # of comments in the other thread 🙂

        Reply
        • I didn’t know if you wanted my long comments anymore when you didn’t reply to this one and took a couple of weeks to reply to the other one. I thought maybe in-person comments were preferred. Sorry for messing up your numbering.

          Reply
  21. purpleowltree1234

    I LOVE this!! it’s Beautiful, especially for one whose life has been a captive to fear and unsafety. Truly beautiful poem. I’m coming back to read this one regularly. :o)
    Love from Rach

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: