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“Across the Street”

 
 
Woman unknown, I
saw you cry for the man you
love. I know plenty.
 
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30 responses »

  1. It was really sweet of you to give her a “shoulder” to cry on. I’m sure she really appreciated you reaching out to her. And I love your senryu. It’s amazing to me how much more can be said in fewer words than with many.

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  2. I liked your original version better. I thought you didn’t know how to write/edit your blog? You’ve been holding out on me!

    For me, the gentle internal rhyme of “unknown” and “know” seemed less forced. You should definitely go with your gut and write what makes you happy. I’m just sharing my thoughts. I also liked the repetition of the word “I” drawing the parallel between her sadness and yours and the emphasis of the repeated sound of “I” creating another rhyme.

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  3. I think you’re right and went back to the original version.

    I still don’t know how to do all the headings/pics/etc…that is definitely your domain. *smile* I just discovered the handy little “edit” button under each post a couple of days ago, and was able to actually put it to use. So now I’ve made a couple of changes to one post! 🙂

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    • When you use the “edit” feature, always check your spacing after you save. I will add an extra space where one is missing now. Everytime I edit, my spacing gets all messed up.

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      • And you didn’t have to change your poem! I was just sharing my thoughts. It’s good either way; I just happen to like it better in its original form. But you should certainly do what you feel is best.

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        • Well I actually did like it better the first way. But when reading it after it was posted, I thought I would make it a bit less personal and more “general.” However, it’s a personal experience; it is really shared most powerfully in that manner. So your comments just provided encouragement to revisit the poem and think about which version felt “righter” …

          Reply
      • Thanks for letting me know and thanks for helping make this blog “presentable” 🙂

        Reply
  4. ok i read this a couple ways…

    1. i know plenty of men she loved…which made me laugh…

    or

    2. perhaps you are relating with knowing tears…

    either way, enjoyed.

    Reply
    • LOL at #1….now that would be something!

      Just meant to say I know plenty about this “unknown woman” because of the tears I witnessed her shed—tears of sadness due to some heartbreak her husband has experienced.

      Lots of “new views” for this haiku today…I’m liking it!

      Reply
  5. Short, sharp simplicity. Hit’s hard.

    Great write.

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  6. rosemary mint

    Oh good, I’m glad you picked one to share. 🙂

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  7. rosemary mint

    You know, something new just struck me. What if the speaker is the man she loves, the man she’s crying for? She’s unknown because he doesn’t really know her. But maybe he’s just starting to see that and so that’s the thing he knows plenty about. Just a thought. 🙂

    Reply
  8. rosemary mint

    Ooh, now the speaker is Jesus and she is the woman at the well—the one with 5 husbands and no husbands, unloved and overloved.

    Reply
  9. wow, this is powerful. So many suffer alone over unimaginable things. I really appreciate the empathetic voice here, and the picture speaks volumes on its own.

    Reply
  10. Sad to see people cry, especially women because of so much violence against them. I hope that is not true here.

    Reply
    • No worries here…her tears were actually “beautiful” as they were an expression of love & concern for her husband who is involved in some custody issues for his bio. son (her step-son).

      Reply
  11. This is so good!

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  12. I admire those who paint so well with short form…

    Reply
  13. Those few lines and the picture are so powerful, good job. I’m slight awe.
    http://leah-jamielynn.typepad.com/

    Reply

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